When It's Time To Take
A Break From Dating
Sometimes we go from one relationship to the next without taking a break. It can be because we are afraid to be alone or bowing to societal pressures that tell us we have to be in a relationship in order to be okay. It's often because we are hurt and want to use the excitement of a new relationship to distract us from the pain of the last one ending. Rebounding, jumping from one relationship to the next, usually produces less-than-satisfactory results. Among them are:
- Due to judgment clouded by emotional pain, it's easy to choose someone who is completely wrong for you as your next partner and be blind to their flaws.
- Because you haven't processed the raw emotions left by the ending of the previous relationship, you are left off-balance and more likely to react inappropriately to emotions and situations with your new lover.
- Without time out for reflection that would give you insight into where your last romance went wrong, it's common to repeat the same mistakes continuously. It's as if you are playing the same script out again and again with the same character, just different actors.
- Although you may meet a great person as a rebound, it's likely that you won't be in the proper place to be a good partner to them and may unintentionally sabotage the relationship.
- Worst of all, you lose touch with yourself and forget that you are ultimately the only person who can make you happy. Because you've forgotten this, you put all the pressure on those outside of you (usually most of the pressure goes onto your romantic partner) to create your happiness. This is the kiss of death to relationships as no one likes to be with someone who is needy.
I've definitely been guilty of this type of insanity. Here are a couple of examples and how it turned out for me...
Repeating the same relationship
In my early 20s, I never put men first in my life. Relationships weren't a big deal to me but I always had someone in my life. And I know I was hurting these men because they all knew I could take them or leave them. But I kept dating, even if it meant hurting them. Then one day I got a big shock of reality. I had been dating this guy for almost two years when he found out that I had been cheating on him. He was devastated. When I saw how hurt he was, it hurt me. It wasn't that I wanted him back - I cheated on him for a reason. It was excruciating to know that I was the reason behind someone feeling that much pain.
That's when I decided to take a break from dating until I discovered what I wanted out of it. I was only 24 years old at the time.
So for a few years, I took a break. I went out with a few people but I told them up front that I absolutely wasn't looking for anything serious. At least I was finally being honest with them and myself for once.
I knew exactly what I wanted for myself: world travel and my career. But when it came to relationships, I just didn't care one way or another about dating. I could take it or leave it because I was busy living my life. However, I realized if I was going to start dating again, I needed to change my attitude since I didn't want to hurt anyone intentionally.
After a few years of soul searching, I decided that I wanted to try out open relationships because being monogamous wasn't working out for me. I'm all about living my life my way, not paying attention to what society, friends or family tell me about how to live it. I had tried dating just one guy; my relationships didn't last long and were unfulfilling, usually because of infidelity and dishonesty on my part.
I gave it a go and went out into the world with a new attitude and dating style. At first, I was investigating and trying to see what worked for me. Sometimes my experiments were disasters, but I learned from them. Other times, I had some amazing relationships with guys who were very open to the idea. Once I had done a little researching, it worked out for me.
I was finally being honest with people and the most open I've ever been with guys. It was a great feeling! I've now been living this lifestyle for 10 years and I've had some of the best relationships that I've ever had. My relationships now last longer, my longest one 8 years and still going strong, and I'm completely honest with my lovers and it feels amazing to be so open with someone. Work is still first for me, but when I have a date with a lover, I put them first for the time I'm with them. I've learned how to balance my work, travel, me-time, and dating. I didn't know how to that before.
I would have never have discovered this about myself if I hadn't taken a break from dating. I needed to discover the problem wasn't necessarily in the men I was dating, but in the type of relationship I was having. Dating isn't a one size fits all and that's where we can get in trouble when it comes to trying to follow the "rules". You need to make your own rules and find out what your dating style is. Don't listen to society, Cosmo magazine, your parents, or friends. This is your life so live it. Date the way you want but let your partner know your dating style to make sure you're on the same page.
I believe we are constantly changing as people and we need breaks from time to time to refocus on how we're changing. Sometimes you can be for open relationships, into a swinger lifestyle, or into being monogamous but that can all change and you need to be open to it and honest with yourself.
Getting Over Someone
By Getting Under Someone New
I was dating a guy that I was crazy about. We were in an open relationship for 6 glorious months when he decided it was time to end it because he wanted kids and marriage. Fair enough, he knew what he wanted. I had told him from the beginning that I didn't want those things and was sane enough to know that, although I liked him a lot, I wasn't going to be happy with that sort of life. It hurt a lot, but I let him go.
After the break up, I went out on dates but it was obvious I wasn't over him as I would mention him sometimes (which was very rude to the new person I was with). Then I did meet someone else, just a month after our breakup. We started dating, but now that I look back on us, the 2nd guy was just a replacement for the 1st. I didn't really like him that much, he was just someone to occupy space in my life left by the guy I was still pining over.
So 6 months later, I decided to take another break. I came to my senses and realized that I needed to be 100% over guy #1 before I could move on. I saw how unfair fair it is to the next person for reasons that I mentioned at the beginning of the article. The real cincher was when I put myself in my lover's shoes: what if they weren't over a girl and I knew it? Ouch!
If you're someone who hasn't taken a break from dating after each person (and I don't mean a month or two), or someone who's gotten out of a relationship and is still hurting from it but trying to move on by dating others, then you need a break. You need time to spend with yourself and fall in love with yourself, not another person. You don't need someone to be happy. Learn to make yourself happy and anyone in your life will just be an extra plus.
Use this break as a time to think about what you're really looking for in the next person, even if you're into open relationships. And use this time to take care of yourself with a lot of me time.
- Sienna Sinclaire® - Naughty Lifestyle Guide - Los Angeles Dating & Sex Coach
